I Love You. Let's Fight!

The road to love and marriage can be buuuuuuuuumpy. It’s all so complicated: Does he think her hobbies are boring? Does she think he respects her intellect? Can they stand each other’s parents? Just how do you find that perfect someone?

There are so many variables, so many moving parts to consider when looking for a mate. It makes you wonder which one is the most important. That one’s pretty difficult to pinpoint and I suspect that if you ask 50 people, you’d get 50 different answers. When it comes to divorce, however, one factor stands out:

The number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict.

The research is very clear: If you’re trying to figure out who will make it and who will not, just look at how they fight. In some ways, it seems to go against all reason. It would make sense to assume that those who fight are in more trouble than those who don’t, but that’s just not the case. It’s not that you argue, it’s how you do it.

Judaism completely acknowledges the fact that humans often disagree. In Bereishis, just after G-d created Adam, we are told:

“And the Lord G-d said, 'It is not good that man is alone; I shall make him a helpmate opposite him.'"

Why "a helpmate opposite him"? Why not “for him” or “with him”? The commentators say that G-d did not create woman to merely be second banana to man, but to be his equal so that they might keep each other in check. He intended there be a back and forth exchange of ideas in a relationship; a meeting of minds in complete partnership.

If G-d validates and respects the fact that we can be in conflict in a healthy way, shouldn’t we? Running away from conflict is really just running away from the opportunity for a stronger relationship.

Speak up and be happy,

Rabbi Shmulik Yeshayahu

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